Of Metrognomes
by Lady Finananntariel
Summary: Metrognomes are turned loose upon Middle-earth! What havoc will they cause? (Rated just in case...)
1. Of Metrognomes

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR or Wal-Mart. I do own Metrognomes™, and as soon as they start bringing in profits, plan to buy LOTR.

Chapter 1

Of Metrognomes

SLAM RRIP "WOW!"

What is Mr. Frodo up to now? thought Sam, as he ran to the front hall of Bag End.

"AAAAUUUGH!"

Frodo looked up.

"What's the matter, Sam?"

"Wh- Wh- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" screamed Sam.

"It's a Metrognome™!"

"What the hell is a Metrognome™!"

"It's a metronome that doubles as a garden gnome! Isn't it CUTE?"

"Er...yeah, if you say so, Mr. Frodo...Where did that ug-...er...thing come from?"

The Metrognome™ appeared to be a garden gnome with a pea green hat, a neon pink shirt, and yellow Bermuda shorts.

It really was quite ugly.

"Wal-Mart, of course!" said the rather absentminded Frodo.

"WAL-MART?" 

"I know you don't like some of their...policies, Sam...but I saw one in a display outside and I HAD to have one..."

Sam knew of Frodo's tendency to see and therefore purchase ugly, completely useless objects. Last week, it had been an incense burner in the shape of a flamingo. Frodo, of course, was allergic to incense.

"Oookay...What does it do?"

Sam was still optimistic that it wouldn't be as annoying as the doorbell that made the sound of a chicken. Unfortunately, it was. And more.

Quoth the Metrognome™: TICK! TICK! TICK!

"MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" shrieked Sam.

"I think it's rather relaxing, don't you?" asked the rather oblivious Frodo.

"Not...really..." said Sam, speaking through clenched teeth.

"I knew you would!" said Frodo, who hadn't really heard Sam, as the Metrognome™ was still ticking at about the decibel level of a 757 engine.

Frodo ran off to his room to listen to the deafening ticking. Sam ran for his special earmuffs that he had sneakily purchased, ironically, at Wal-Mart after Frodo had gotten that cursed doorbell.

_I wonder when Mr. Frodo's going to get over this weird disorder thing, thought Sam. It's starting to really worry me..._


	2. Of WalMart and Psychology Books

Chapter 2

Of Wal-Mart and Psychology Books

Sam decided to go purchase a book on the subject.

Two hours and five stores later, Sam was in a state of advanced distress. He had checked every store in the Shire with any kind of book, had found books on every other psychology problem or disorder but Frodo's...and didn't know what to do.

_You haven't tried EVERY store,_ Sam's evil side whispered in his ear. _There's still...Wal-Mart._

_But Wal-Mart is EVIL! _ thought the essence of Sam.

_Do you want to help Mr. Frodo or not?_

Well...okay...

Sam sneakily began to creep toward Wal-Mart, humming his own weird theme song. He was feeling a bit jumpy...

_OH NO! MERRY AND PIPPIN! _

fSam held perfectly still.

Somehow, Sam managed to stop against a wall with a large mural on it. This mural featured several pointing fingers and arrows, which were now pointing to Sam, who was holding his last note. The passing Merry and Pippin shrugged. Sam was usually like this.

Sam made a break for it, diving into Wal-Mart. He sprinted for the Books section, immediately found the exact book he was looking for, and sprinted to the cash register. Unfortunately, the cashier was on the phone...

"Um..." said Sam, trying to see her name tag. "Rosie? I'm kind of in a hurry..."

"Oh, I'm sorry, SAM!" Rosie said rather loudly. "SAM, I thought you didn't ever shop here!"

"Er...Rosie, can you keep it down?"

"Sure, SAM! Anything for you!"

Sam really had nothing against Wal-Mart, but two years ago, he had foolishly declared (it probably had something to do with the amount of mead he had consumed):

"I HATE WAL-MART!"

Ever since, Sam had avoided Wal-Mart, for no good reason except that he had said _I HATE WAL-MART._ But this was special, being for the mental good of Mr. Frodo...but if Rosie alerted anyone he knew of his presence, he was dead meat.

"Um, SAM? Are you okay?" asked the rather puzzled Rosie. Sam had just turned into a large steak.

POOF Sam changed back. "Er... yeah, sorry... Can you PLEASE hurry!"

"Here you go, SAM! Enjoy!"

Sam sprinted for the door.


	3. The Epidemic

Chapter 3

The Epidemic

Sam couldn't believe it. Everybody in Middle-Earth had a Metrognome™! It was like an epidemic...

Frodo used his as a garden gnome and left it ticking.

Aragorn used his as a battering ram...maybe he didn't like it as well as everyone else thought...

Theoden had replaced Grima with a Metrognome™.

And Arwen...Arwen was having some problems with hers...

"_Lastoreth ni_...Oh crap! Why me? Why me?" sobbed Arwen.

Something was wrong with her Metrognome™-it wouldn't tick, no matter what she did! (Like, OMG...) Aragorn and the hobbits had tried to help, but Arwen knew it just wasn't working. Larry, as she had named her Metrognome™, had been stabbed accidentaly by Ringwraiths as they had tried to abduct him. Sauron had one, but he wouldn't let any of them get a Metrognome™.

"He is not going to last...We must get him to my father."

"Stay with the Hobbits...I'll send horses for you."

"I'm the fastest rider...I do not fear them."

"Ride hard. Don't look back."

"_Noro lim, Asfaloth, noro lim!_"

The Ringwraiths had found Arwen, and were now pursuing her through northwest Middle-earth. Arwen was staying ahead of them...barely.

Arwen reached the Loudwater River, or Bruinen, as her people called it. She rode across, leaving the Metrognome™-deprived Ringwraiths on the other bank.

"Give up the Metrognome™, she-elf!"

"If you want him...come and claim him!"

The Ringwraiths obliged.

_"Nin o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer, Rimmo nin Bruinen dan in Ulair!"_

The Ringwraiths were swept away...yaay...

Larry, however, was not faring well.

"Larry! Oh, Larry, no!"

_What grace has given me...let it pass to him...let him be spared...save him..._

Arwen woke up the next morning in Rivendell and ran to her father.

"Did you fix him?"

"Yes, Larry is fine. All I had to do was install new batteries."

_Whoops_, thought Arwen. 


	4. Grima and More Psychology Books

I don't own LOTR...yet...

Chapter 4

Grima and More Psychology Books

Grima was depressed. He had been replaced by a Metrognome™! The injustice! The disgrace! Even worse, the Metrognome™ was probably hitting on Eowyn right now! And Eowyn might start going out with the Metrognome™! (Metrognomes™ can't hit on or go out with people, but Grima was too depressed to figure this out.)

Grima took a trip to (you guessed it) WalMart for a psychology/self-help book, incidentally written by Sam, who must have been on the best Longbottom leaf at the time. After reading the first chapter, Grima found a solution to his problem...which began with another trip to WalMart.

THREE HOURS LATER

Grima was back in his room at Edoras, with...a Metrognome™. From attempting to kidnap and dispose of Theoden's, he had learned that Metrognomes were very light, before he was spotted by a guard. He had therefore decided that he wouldn't need any help getting it back home.

This Metrognome™ was very, very heavy-at least, for a Metrognome™.

Grima carefully opened the box...

"AAAAAH!"

Mwahaha, cliffhanger of doom...this kills me to say this, but pleeease review? 


	5. Mispackaging Can Be Fatal

Chapter 5

Mispackaging Can Be Deadly

"AAAAAH!" Grima screamed.

"AAAAAH!" screamed the..._thing_ in the box.

"AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAH!"

(Getting tired of this yet?)

"AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAH!"

"AAAAAH!"

"AA-wha? I thought Metrognomes™ only ticked!" said Grima.

"Do I look like a Metrognome™?"

There are four categories of things in boxes: Never Alive, Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.

Guess which this one was.

"What the bloody hell is going on? I was walking around WalMart when I get abducted, stuffed in a box the size of a pea, flipped around, left to rot for a day, and now THIS!"

"Er..."

"And who the bloody hell are you!"

"Um..." The thing took a quick peek outside.

"Shit."

It dived back in...

and came out.

Whatever it was had long wavy blonde hair, laser blue eyes, an angelic white dress, and a chest bigger than Eowyn's.

That was saying something.

Grima just drooled, all thoughts of Metrognomes™ hitting on Eowyn forgotten.

The angelic figure stuffed Grima into the vacated box faster than you could say "oh bugger" and proceeded to drop-kick him out the window.

"I hate doing that."

She removed blue contacts and a long blonde wig and shook out her dress, getting rid of the several socks in the chest area.

"The dressing up, that is."

Now she had long black hair and brownish eyes.

Anira Elena Vendethiel skipped off to wreak havoc. 


End file.
